Forget the self-conscious, writerly prose today... far too exhausted to be giving much detail to writing. I'm tired. Of working assiduously and being utterly incapable of witnessing any visible results. Sometimes i wonder what i'm working so hard for anyway. For a place in university? For a better job? A luxurious life? And yet what is luxury, when living in all the earth's splendor could very well mean suffering in hell for eternity after this transcient life?
The subject seems so ominous even to mention, but life scares the hell out of me. Crudely put, i seem to be placed in this world to face the remonstrances it presents...to live my life in an idealistic manner. If i "succeed", i go to heaven at the closure of my earthly life. And if i fail, i go to hell. I think we often perceive hell too lightly, probably because the word is used so casually in modern context of the language.
"Go to hell", a phrase we use with such nonchalance, ironically even with some humor. Even as i notice my earlier unintended usage of the word "life scares the hell out of me", i pause and wonder...do we know what hell means? Some sort of fiery dungeon down in the depths of the earth? Understatement of the century. No... millennium. Imagine you're in a pit of fire at the highest level of heat possible, with a hot, searing pain that scorches your entire body...except you never get burnt. The pain never ends. The torridity is continuous, perpetual. Suddenly it's not funny anymore, and what bites at me further is the fact that this is only a fraction of my limited ability to comprehend. Maybe it's ten times worse than what i just described. Maybe a hundred, a thousand. Eternal damnation.
It's almost as if life is a dark, sinister game... one that you can't give up on, because the risk of ending it is far too great. Obviously then, i would well wonder on the contrary how a glorious place i would find myself if i were to succeed in this 'game'. I can't quite sum it up, though i suppose in layman terms that it would be incredibly spectacular. But like they say, nothing ever comes without a price, especially something as phenomenal as this. And so i wonder what that price is, and how much it would cost me. A lifetime of good deeds on earth? Being as religious as humanly possible? Again, i don't have a rebuttal, but i'd say it would cost me pretty much my life. So far, i suppose we have
Cost of process of winning = hard life for time span on earth approximately 70-80years
Cost of failing = hard life for all eternity
You do the math.
It's kind of weird that most of the time we don't question the reason for life itself. I mean, if i were to ask you(whoever you may be)to meet me tomorrow at noon outside a certain restaurant, you would want to know why. You would inquire of the reason for that mere two or three hours of your life, because your life is important...because time is precious. Is it not then rather paradoxical, even a little humorous that we are perfectly capable living day to day, running around amid our hectic schedules our entire lives, never questioning where all that eventually leads toward?
I'm not saying i have all the answers, because i don't. What i do have, however, are a million questions, and it appears queer that people usually don't think about things like that. Perhaps all that we recognize as success, as achievement, as subjects to be glorified, are in actual fact useless and of no essence whatsoever. What if i don't ask these questions now, only to ask them a few decades later? What if by the time i realize, the end of my life is drawing dangerously near and all i have accomplished is naught? It would be too late for regrets. And that is what incites me to question all i'm doing now, to search for the reason, the reason for life itself. To reevaluate all i'm doing, because the thought scares me. More than scares me.
It really haunts me.